On Addy's 4th birthday, I posted about how she has made me the woman I am today. She is the reason I was not willing to settle for less. She is the reason I wanted more than normal.
Tonight as I snuggled Luke before bed time, I couldn't help but think about how he has changed me. His entry into the world literally scared me into anxiety. He was 3 1/2 weeks early; extremely jaundice for a long time; and the 1st time I was left alone with him and Addy, Addy started puking...it was a stomach virus that would last 12 hours.
I literally began to believe I was incapable of taking care of my own children from that point on. Addy wanted me. I was nursing. We did everything we could to keep her from getting Luke sick. It was traumatic for me. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, it is obvious that that is when my anxiety started.
I lived in anxiety a lot of the time. What if one of them wakes up sick? What if I can't take care of both of them at the same time?
And Luke's never ending jaundice didn't make things easier. We ended up at OU Children's hospital less than a week after he was born in the ICU.
I finally began to realize that my peace was not going to come from healthy babies. Luke is my peace baby. Because of him, I had to search for peace.
He is the reason I sought after God. He is the reason I searched for more than the anxiety I was living in day to day.
It is amazing to me what our children create in us...
a desire to be more than what we are
a desire to be great for them
a desire to find peace
May you find peace in the arms of your babies tonight.