On a Plane to Somewhere

Saturday, November 19, 2011

It's like I'm sitting on an airplane with no idea where I'm headed.

I'm excited, but nervous with anticipation to say the least.

Will it be warm? Will I like the view? Where will we stay? How will we get where we're going?

It's like all those questions are running through my head right now, but they're more related to having another child in our home....

Can I do this? Will he or she like us? How will my kids react? Is my business going to suffer?

All valid questions.

I saw a white lady in Target with the most beautiful black baby I've ever seen, and I did a double take. Which is stupid. But I did. I had to look twice. She was obviously white and this baby was obviously black.

I really did a double take out of envy. I told Brian that I wanted a black baby when we started dating, and he assured me that he could not help me with that. I still want one. They're just so pretty! Maybe that's what will happen through all of this.

Please don't take any of that the wrong way. This is just exactly what I would tell my best friend. She knows it already. She wants a black baby, too, but her hubby can't do anything to help her with that either.

Anyway....my mind is just running in a million places.

We've done everything we needed to do to become foster parents, and now we're just waiting.

For the past two days my house has looked like the North Pole threw up all over it. Seriously there is no nice way to put it.

Part of me feels like I'm jumping the gun with all the Christmas cheer. I realize that it's not even officially Thanksgiving yet, but I think a lot of my early decorating is stemmed from fear. I love Christmas, and I love decorating for Christmas, and I don't want to miss any of it.

Brian will say that I'm extreme, but I have the best memories of our home during Christmas time, and I want that for my kids. Give me some garland and twinkle lights, and I'm a happy girl. I have a tree in every room of my house and even two in some. It's possibly a problem.

I'm sure you'll be enlightened with my over the top decorating pictures soon. Then you can judge for yourself.

And maybe it was too early, but I honestly don't know what the next week holds. What if we have a baby before Thanksgiving? (I do think that's unlikely, but who knows?!)

There's a very good chance we'll have one before Christmas. And I'm worried about the transition from a family of four to a family of five.

I just wanted to make sure that no matter what our family looks like at Christmas, it's as magical as I always remember it being. I know full well that my kids could care less about the garland I've placed above the kitchen cabinets and the wreaths all over the house, but for some reason, it's all important to me. I want to be done with as much as possible before the Dalkes become +1.

I honestly don't know what else. I guess my rambling mind is finding its resting place for the night.

Sorry to bore you to death with my honest and raw thoughts. Sometimes I write to all of you like you're my best friend. And sometimes that's exactly what I need. Just to know that she hears me.

It's funny because our relationship is exactly the same as it was in high school. So much of it is communicated through words on a page (it was notes passed through a high school classroom then and now it's words on a screen), but it's words all the same.

It's amazing the power our words have. Words on a screen have been extremely therapeutic for me during this entire process of taking the steps to become foster parents. Thanks for being a listening ear through it all. I'm sure the plot will only thicken as the days pass. Stay tuned.

.....day 99 of a year of writing.....

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