I wish I were uploading pictures for you tonight of the beautiful beaches of Mexico, but the internet here moves about as fast a molasses, so we’ll be lucky if my words post. And I swear I have to hold the computer in just the right place to even pick up a signal. Instead tonight, you’re getting real and honest and not so cheery and bright, which ironically is what you guys read the most. Apparently you like real. So, real is what you’re getting.
I can see him from our balcony....
He’s talking to a couple that I can’t make out. I’m almost positive from his gestures that he’s giving them advice.
He’s my best friend. He has been for 10 years.
I don’t know anyone but him when it comes to love, advice, passion, and friendship. He is my rock. He is the truth I so often stand on.
He’s probably telling them about how great he thinks I am.....about all the things I do for my team and my consultants and for anyone who will listen to what I have to say.
But he’s not here on the balcony with me because we got in a huge fight. I guess I should come to expect them. Every time we’re at a business function, we fight, one time.
I don’t know why.
We hardly ever fight anymore. We understand each other more now after 10 years then we ever have, but apparently we still don’t always get it 100% right all the time.
Maybe it’s because there is always change in the air at events like this....oh what a funny word that is.
Maybe it’s because we change.
We forget who we are without our kids around. Sometimes we forget what to talk about without the day to day activities to discuss. Sometimes he plays devil’s advocate too much. Sometimes I’m too trusting and too positive. Sometimes I’m too condescending.
It’s good that he walked out of the room.
Both of us are on over load. Our brains are running about a hundred miles a minute thinking of all the possibility ahead of us.
Sometimes we both get overwhelmed and unfocused. Sometimes we think we’re in control, and we forget that God has placed us here, in this place, with these people for a reason.
He forgets that I need time to unwind. I forget that he needs me to listen.
And then all the little things from the past few months bubble to the top. Everything he said. Everything I said. All the mistakes we made. All the things we didn’t say. All the things we did say.
We twist each other’s words. We get out what we’ve wanted to say for weeks, and before we know it, we’re both mad.
He walks out.
And I wonder why I would ever say the things I said, and how I could ever make things better.
I get in a hot shower to clear my head (and so no one will hear my tears even though I’m sure someone heard us shouting) and I wait until I feel the weight slowly lift off.
I don’t know if he’ll still be mad when he comes back. I wouldn’t blame him if he is.
I know I have to apologize. I know he does too.
It’s a 2 way street. Marriage always is.
Even after 10 years, we’re learning about each other. We want to know what makes the other feel happy, appreciated, needed.
Sometimes I let entitlement creep in.
I’m entitled to his love and appreciation and undying affection.
And I am, but so is he.
He is entitled to my love, appreciation, undying affection, and my respect and submission.
Maybe sometimes we get too wrapped up in ourselves to really love our spouses. I know I do.
It becomes about my day, and my to do list, and my activities, and my job. Sometimes I neglect to remember that he too has been called to do great things. Why would I ever forget that? But I do.
He is a man of God. I thank the Lord every day for giving me him when I didn’t deserve him. Not even a bit did I deserve him. But the Lord knew what he was doing. We needed each other, and He needed us to be together.
He has held me when I talked of my fear of eternity. He has encouraged me when I thought I couldn’t run a business. He has shown me what it’s like to love Jesus and live by faith and faith alone. He has displayed what it means to truly serve without ever asking for anything in return.
He is so much more than my past ever deserved. He is a gift that I was given when I didn’t deserve him.
We don’t always get along. Heck, sometimes we don’t even like each other.
But he is my man. My rock. My next 60 years.
I’m smiling as I watch him gesture with his hands over and over again. I don’t have any idea what he’s telling this couple, but I know he’s passionate about it.
I don’t know what will happen when he comes back to the room either. Maybe we’ll both apologize and there will be no hard feelings and we’ll make up.
Maybe the words we said were too heavy and we’ll have more damage control to do.
I don’t know. All I know is that this is real life. Not everything is perfect. Not everything is easy.
And the best things in life are worth fighting for. That I am sure of.
.....day 152 of a year of writing.....