So every night I sit down to type the words that are swirling around in my head because I know that God asked me to do it.
There are many nights that I think I have nothing of value to say. There are many nights that I'm honestly too tired to write. But somehow, night after night, words appear here and you read them over there.
And apparently it matters.
It happened again this week. You shared your stories with me. Stories that centered around you reading this blog.
And on Thursday night when everyone else was celebrating after a beautiful dinner and amazing fire show, all I wanted to do was drop to me knees in humbled adoration of how incredibly cool our God is.
You found me on that 1st day at the resort. You came to me to tell me that you read my blog occasionally, and that you'd love to talk later.
You had tears in your eyes. I promised we'd talk.
I never stopped thinking about you.
And on that last night at the resort, we couldn't find seats at the party, so we ate on the balcony of Jacquleyn's suite. Suddenly I wanted to go look for someone (I didn't think it was you, but God knew I would find you.)
Almost everyone had left. There were a few people near the stage taking pictures, and as I looked for my friend, there you were.
And we sat down to talk. A talk I will never forget.
You told me that your goal this year to put the Lord 1st in your life. You told me that you hear people talk about how much they love Him, but that you don't get it.
You believe, you go to church, but you know there is more.
I agreed. There is more.
There is more than believing. There is falling in love.
I told you to read Crazy Love by Frances Chan.
You promised to get it right away.
You told me that you know you have to seek Him this year. You want to love Him.
We talked about prayer. About praying unceasingly. We talked about what a relationship with God really looks like in day to day life.
You told me that this blog had made you want to be a better Christian.
We talked and we talked and we talked. And looking back, there is more I wish I would have said.
I wish I would have reminded you that His grace is all you need. He is always near you, no matter how you currently feel about Him or how much you've neglected Him. He never leaves you; never forsakes you.
You cried. I cried. And I remember thinking how much I wish I could just bring you into my living room on a Tuesday morning to see a ton of women who have been through it all and who love the Lord like you want to love Him.
I promised to keep in touch. I promised to follow up.
We hugged. A good hug. One where both people know exactly why their hugging the other person.
And I walked away from that conversation feeling so incredibly unworthy.
Tears filled my eyes. There was no stopping them.
When I least expected it, in a setting where I would never think it would happen, we talked about the love of Christ and the desires of our heart.
He used these words to make a difference.
I felt incredibly small. In that instant I realized that I am just a piece of this very huge puzzle.
Brian could see that the moment was big. I wanted to walk far far away from everyone else and drop to my knees, but he brought me back to a quiet balcony and held me while I wept.
Tears of joy, of fear, of sorrow, of longing, of hope.
Tears that spilled over with unworthiness.
I looked up at him and said, "I don't understand why He would use me." I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to say.
Brian proceeded to hold me and pray. A prayer of thanksgiving to a God who loves us so much sometimes it hurts. He prayed a pray of peace over us and over you.
Sometimes are lives are about so much more than we believe them to be. There is a big picture that we often forget about too easily. There is always more at work than we can see.
I told Brian that night that if your life is the only one changed by these words. If your relationship with the Lord is the only one that grows stronger because of this, then every day, and every post, and every word would be worth it.
He agreed. But then he said, "do you really think he'd stop at only 1?"
I never know what will come out of my heart or my mind or my soul onto this page. All I can do is pray that God uses the words that end up here to make a difference in your life or the life of someone you know.
Thank you for your story.
I'm not giving up on you. I want you to fall in love with the God of the universe just like I have. I want you to be so crazy about Him that you can't shut-up about Him. Who knows....maybe if you stick around here long enough, it'll happen to you too.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
"Blessed are those who hunger and search for righteousness, for they will be filled."
.....day 154 of a year of writing.....