Tonight I'm just tired.
I wish I had great and wonderful things to say about how glorious caring for someone else's kid is, but I don't. Honestly, today I'm slightly bitter and a little pissed off (and possibly hormonal...just possibly).
I'm irritated that I'm loving and snuggling on a teething baby who really just needs his momma. I'm pissed that she calls everyone momma. I don't think it's fair. Momma should mean one thing and one thing only. To her, it's just a word.
Writing it here literally makes me want to fall apart.
It's so not fair. All of it.
They deserve a momma just like everyone else. And instead they have to settle for us. And don't get me wrong, we look like the picture of perfection in comparison to what they must have come away from (which, I still don't know what they came away from). But that picture of perfection won't ever make me her momma.
I love them. That's all they need. But they're not my kids. And I almost feel guilty....like maybe I don't love them enough.
Brian is definitely better at this than I am. He's got more patience than I do for sure....and he always has.
And praise God he's here!
The Yukon Lifechurch.tv staff went on a retreat this weekend. They left Sunday night and won't be back until tomorrow night. He made the decision to stay home with us. I feel bad because it was so up his alley. There was going to be gun shooting and playing outside. I really don't know what they were doing, but I know it was going to be outdoor stuff, and he loves that.
Instead, he's here with us. Taking care of babies. A couple that aren't even ours.
I really hope you don't think I'm an awful person today. I don't know if the way I'm feeling is normal, or if I'm officially the worst foster parent in the history of the world.
No amazing and inspiring things have happened today. I attempted to work with three babies here. No one napped at the same time. Luke had to go to the doctor. And I was a little resentful of the day and the circumstance I guess.
I'll tell you what keeps me moving though......the smiles these babies have when Brian or I walk in the door could drop me to my knees. I have done nothing to deserve it, but they have so much love. They are full of it. Love seeps out of them. Did we all start out that way?
I'll do it all a little better tomorrow. Maybe I'll even figure out a way to take pictures of them without their faces so you can see their precious feet and towheaded blonde hair.
I'm a little afraid that I'm going to love them more everyday. I know I'm holding my heart from them. I only know bits and pieces of mom and dad's story, but they've made it sound like they are definitely going back to them eventually. What will that day be like? Tears threaten to fall from my eyes at the thought of it and they haven't even been here a week yet.
Oh Lord, where are you taking us? And why? I don't doubt you for one minute, but you sure like to keep things interesting, don't you?
Like I said, I guess this truly will be the adventure of our lives. It won't be easy. It won't be pain free. It may not even be fun, but in the end, we'll do whatever He calls us to do. Someone has to. That's what I think when I even start to doubt this......someone has to love them. Why not us?
It's been a long day. I'm grateful for so many things:
- That I never walked that path of utter destruction that would pull me from my children. In all honesty, we're all just few bad decisions away from that.
- That my husband is such an incredible man of God. There is nothing "fun" about this, but he's on board 100% and doing better than I am.
- That tomorrow morning more than a dozen women will walk into my house. Women who I love and who I need. My sisters in Christ. Picturing them here pushes the tears right over the edge. I love them so much. And the great thing is, I am usually the strong one, but I know that if (and when) I break tomorrow, they will never look at me any differently. There is no judgment, no pressure, no expectation to be anything except who I am. What an incredible blessing they are in my life.
It's a really good thing that the Lord is good even when I'm not. Here's another song for you. My favorite line: "You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say." And He is.
.....day 177 of a year of writing.....