There are moments when I feel like I am incredibly good at this.....like I can handle these four babies and conquer the world at the same time.
And then there are moments that attempt to crash the entire system to the ground....moments where I doubt every bit of getting involved in foster care. These are the moments that sear in my mind. The moments when I feel like I can't handle it are the moments that I return to over and over again.
Even though there have been days (multiple days!) where I have felt like we are good at this, it's the "moments" of fear and frustration and anger that stick with me and threaten to crumble it all.
Fear is a funny thing. First of all, it's a big fat lie that the devil begins to seep into our minds with one small doubt after another. But it's those little doubts day after day that are born into huge lies that we start to believe about who we are and who we're supposed to be.
I know that focusing on those small moments of doubt and fear instead of on the days and days of triumph happen in all parts of my life....in my business, in my relationships, in my marriage, and even in my faith. We so often get caught up in those small moments of frustration, fear, or anxiety that we forget about the triumph we've already experienced.
Just when I think I have it all together, one of those small moments takes over my mind, and before I know it, snowballs into an even bigger mess. Can anyone relate? Or is that just me?
I am learning through all of this that I need the Lord's presence near me all the time. He just keeps reminding me that I need Him through every step of this process. Every moment of every day I have to have Him. If I didn't, I am almost positive that I would be a complete basket case. Nuts. I would be crazy for sure.
It's sometimes in those small moments of fear, frustration, anger, or even doubt that He gently nudges me, reminding me that He is here and He has asked us to walk this path with Him.
When I find myself angry at the babies (yes, it happens occasionally...but that's an entirely different post) because of things completely out of their control, He gives me that nudge.....love them like I love you.
Man, that's a challenge! I'm telling you. I love these babies, but there are times when I feel like my frustration or anger towards their parents gets undeservedly directed at them. And the second those feelings enter my head, I know they are lies. It's like the Holy Spirit won't get off my back (thank God!), and He just keeps returning me to where my mind should be.....that would be unconditional and unrestricted love, in case you were wondering.
I guess tonight I'm simply wondering if those small moments of defeat are truly defeating you, or are you letting the Holy Spirit lead you instead? Are you letting Him remind you that you need Him, and that He is bigger and more powerful than any fear, doubt, or unnecessary emotion you may have?
Are those small moments defining who you are? Or are you letting the days of triumph define who you are?
Me? I'm not letting those moments change anything about the path we're on. My God is bigger than fear, doubt, anger, frustration, confusion, and uncertainty. He's got my back, and He's constantly reminding me that He is good even when there is nothing good in me. And that is all the good I need to do - His good work.
.....day 194 of a year of writing.....