I don't know how to get it out. I don't know if this is what I'm supposed to feel and think through this whole process or if I'm the only one who has ever thought these things.
Am I supposed to eat boxes and boxes of Girl Scout cookies to cope? Is that part of every foster parent's journey? Just curious.
And what about love? Am I supposed to love them more than I do right now?
I love the way their eyes light up when they see me. I love the way they reach for me. I love the way they need me.
And in the same breath, I miss the days when the only person I had to take care of was me. There is no me in all of this. There is no place for selfishness, even though those thoughts creep in constantly.
What about you? What about your business? What about your marriage? What about your kids?
I keep ignoring my phone because my brain can't process. I completely forgot about a director call I had scheduled for tonight, and I haven't even emailed them to apologize yet.
I spent two hours getting babies to bed. I just want to turn my phone off.
Is this what it's going to be like? Or will it get easier?
Will I love them more?
I wish I could show you their pictures. They are so incredibly precious. Towhead white hair and big blue eyes.
I'm still mad. EXTREMELY mad. I'm praying that God softens my heart. That He prepares Brian and me to be mentors to the parents. Right now I'm just pissed off at the parents.
Sometimes I can't even hold them because it makes me so mad. I would fight for them right now and they're not even mine. No one is checking on them. No one is concerned with how they're adjusting. How do you do that? How do you not care?
Am I supposed to be this mad?
I'm having a very hard time controlling my emotions. I'm really emotional today. My Bible study girls and all their babies flooded my house today. I was instantly at peace. Amidst people who I know I can trust....who I know will carry me, I felt whole again. Yet every part of me wants to break.....to curl up in a ball and cry. But I won't let myself.
My tears, instead, fall on their perfect heads when I rock them or snuggle them up for bed, or when I lie next to my babies thinking of how unfair it all really is. I would die for my children, as all of you would die for yours, and to not be willing to change for them is unimaginable to me. It's painful.
What would it be like to not have a mom? Many of you may have grown up having lost a mom or dad at a young age or maybe one or the other of your parents weren't in the picture, but the majority of us can say we have or had at least one parent who would have hung the moon for us. And every child deserves that. Every single one. But theses babies don't have it.
Now, let's be real here, I don't know what mom is thinking or has ever thought. Maybe she loves them and never had the example of what it looks like to be a mom. To love unconditionally. I don't know. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.
What have I pulled my family into? Was this a huge mistake?
Am I supposed to think these things right now? I'm wishing there were a step-by-step foster parenting book.....this is what you're going to think, feel, and want to do. I just need to know there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I know it'll get better. I know it will get easier. It hasn't even been a week.
I know that I will fall in love with them more everyday. I already am. They deserve that. They deserve the love of a parent. They never did anything wrong. They're just babies who need love.
And I hate it. Babies are the definition of love. Yes, they're hard work, but everything worth doing is hard work.
I just hope my husband still loves me through all this. He is my rock. Always has been. I'm an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb, and he's cool and collected, and has been dubbed The Baby Whisperer.
They adore him, and so do I. He's so much better at this than I am. And I'm scared of what will happen tomorrow when he goes back to work. How am I ever going to do this alone? It takes an army right now, and I haven't done a lick of work. (Remember above, I'm completely ignoring my phone!)
Oh, how I'm praying you don't read this and think I'm crazy. I promise I'm not (all the time). Maybe right now. But not always.
Your texts, scriptures, and Facebook messages are always in perfect timing. I know the Lord still has His hand all over this. I am not doubting. I'm standing firm. I'm just slightly broken, really mad, and wishing I could be more to everyone.
I apologize that this is what you have to hear about. I hope no one reading this is in the process of becoming a foster parent because by no means do I want to discourage anyone from it. I know it will be one of the biggest blessings of our life, and I honestly think it would be easier if more people would do it. We really could take care of the orphan epidemic in this country if we really wanted to. Maybe if more people did it, I wouldn't feel so alone.
Someone has to love them. Why not us?
.....day 178 of a year of writing.....