Instead, my head is filled with bits of doubt and regret and utter sadness.
We have finally put an end date on our journey with the foster babies. I hate that we have. But we have.
I sort of feel like we had to.
Their mom and dad went to court again two weeks ago, and nothing changed. Another court date. More waiting.
The dad is being a jerk, to say the least. He says he wants them and he loves them, but he can't get it together.
So nothing happens except another court date while these babies get older with every day that passes.
I feel like I'm just the middle. The middle of what was and what is to come.
I really hope I'm the only middle they have, but I'm beginning to doubt that that will be the case. At the rate the court system is going, they may have another middle before they ever get anywhere permanently.
It's just not fair.
I'm mad right now. Mad at their parents for being screw ups and them not being able to pull it back together for their babies.
Mad at the process for making these babies wait for something that isn't ever going to come.
Mad at myself partly for giving up.
I feel like I'm abandoning them.
We put an end date on our willingness to keep them and then what?
Where will they go? Who will love them next?
Part of me feels helpless. Like there is nothing I can do to make things better. How do I make them make an inevitable decision faster? I can't.
It's still hard. I wish it were easy.
But nothing about this process has been easy. It's been challenging, trying, changing, and good in the strangest way. It's made me a better person for sure. No doubt about that. It's completely rocked me.
I'm grateful to those babies for the person they have made me.
And right now all I can think about is Brian asking Bailey if she saw her momma today. She turned around in her chair at the dinner table, smiled, and pointed right and me while saying "Momma."
That will tear you apart. That's what makes this so hard. She knows nothing other than us as Momma and Daddy. Nothing.
Oh, how I just want for them what my babies have. They deserve it. They deserve a family. They deserve unconditional love.
Sometimes I don't understand why it's not supposed to be us. But I have no doubt. It's not. But I don't know why. They would have worked here. They do work here.
But, from the very first time I laid eyes on them, I knew they wouldn't be mine.
I didn't know why. But I knew they wouldn't be mine.
I don't really know what else to say. I just want to sit here and make my brain turn off. Make it quiet. Sorry for the anticlimactic ending. But that's all I've got tonight.
.....day 312 of a year of writing.....