A Box of Tears

Friday, June 14, 2013

It was a box marked 12-18 month clothes. I had no idea that I would completely fall apart as I pulled out outfit after outfit.

They weren't Luke's clothes.

They were clothes that I bought in a single day.....the day we found out we were getting our foster babies.

And it was a good thing that I bought clothes because they came only with a Wal-mart sack filled with clothes for both of them in the wrong sizes.

They were clothes that he grew out of in the 6 months he called our house home. Clothes that I saved for the baby boy I knew we were having...

Tonight I've read thru so much of our journey with the babies as they became known in our world. Going back and re-living it is hard. Today they went back into their biological mom's custody. It's been almost a year and 1/2 since they were brought to our front door. It's been 11 months since we took them to Shelli's house where I thought they would grow up.

I typed these words after 3 days of being a family of 6, February 5, 2012
There is no doubt. There is occasional fear and anxiety, but no doubt. I can't begin to doubt the way He is laying out every piece to the puzzle. His plan is always greater than ours

From February 6, 2012
I'll tell you what keeps me moving though......the smiles these babies have when Brian or I walk in the door could drop me to my knees. I have done nothing to deserve it, but they have so much love. They are full of it. Love seeps out of them. Did we all start out that way? 
I'm a little afraid that I'm going to love them more everyday. I know I'm holding my heart from them. I only know bits and pieces of mom and dad's story, but they've made it sound like they are definitely going back to them eventually. What will that day be like? Tears threaten to fall from my eyes at the thought of it and they haven't even been here a week yet. 

From February 9, 2012
But, what I am going to do, is to start praying specifically for our babies' parents. The reality is, these babies will more than likely go home to their parents, but their mom and dad still have a long way to go. I believe that the Lord placed us in this situation more for their mom and dad than for the babies. Of course, the babies are being loved and adored and kissed all over here, but if we can get to mom and dad, we can change the future of the babies that we're falling in love with.
As Brian read me bits and pieces of their file, I started to think of what an awful situation we were in for just a second. Then I remember who my Daddy is. Who my Father is. There is nothing that He cannot do. There is no situation He cannot change, and maybe I'm naive, but I'm going to believe Him for the big things that I know He can do and will do for the sake of these babies.

From February 14, 2012
I can't imagine what it was like to be her. She hasn't seen her babies in 2 weeks, and I know that you reap what you sow, but she's still a momma who loves her babies. Of that I'm sure.
I also know that she's young; she's made some big mistakes, and there is a good chance no one has ever shown her what it really looks like to be a momma. How do you know how to be a good momma without an example of what it looks like or more importantly without Jesus? I really don't know. 

From February 16th
These babies aren't mine and won't ever really be mine. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe the Lord is guarding our hearts.....because I know one day they're going to leave. 
From February 20, 2012
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, 
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

And right in the middle of Target with a basket overflowing with groceries, it hit me like a ton of bricks.....they are not going to hold their hearts from me, why on earth would I hold my heart from them? Maybe it's time to "adjust the sail."
I know I'm doing it. I have no doubt about it. There is a wall that I've placed between us. I don't want them to pass the picket white fence of our so called "put together life" and make it messy. I don't want them to shake me. I don't want the mess. I want the picture perfect life I thought I was going to have complete with brown paper packages. 
But that's not real. Never has been. Never will be. 
There will always be crumbs on the floor, and smashed up goldfish in the car. There will always be noses to wipe and tears to dry. There will always be hands to hold and fears to crush. 
What I didn't realize until today was that it's not their fears I need to crush.....not the babies (they love us...they light up when we enter the room).....and not my kids (they love these babies), but my fears. My fears of pain and loss and regret. 
Many people have compared letting a foster child go (either back into the biological family's life or into an adoptive situation) to dealing with a death. Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would walk into the agony of that kind of loss? 

The better question is, who is such a fool that they wouldn't be willing to risk it all to love like that? Because what else is there? There is nothing more important than the love that I can give them while they're here. Why not swing for the fence? Go big or go home? They deserve it. I know I have it in me. I just have to be willing to break the barriers I've placed around my heart down for two tiny little white haired babies who need the love that only a momma can give. 
I may not be their momma and I probably never will be, but I'm thinking I'm going to love them like I am until they have their momma back. 
And there's so much more.

And tonight I'm sobbing. Wondering if I screwed up. If I could have done something different or something better.

I'm watching Wyatt sleep on the baby monitor knowing that he is here because I was reminded what it felt like to love and hold a baby as I feel in love with and held someone else's baby.

As I write this, Shade's jammies sit on my lap. The ones that pulled out of the box that made we fall apart. The ones we put him in that very 1st night after a much needed bath.

There are so many things about this world that I don't understand and that I flat out don't like. And I don't know if I like today or not. I'm not sure.

From my perspective, it looks like it didn't turn out at all like I thought it would.

I know I talked about mentoring their mom. And we did for a while. We built a relationship  planned lunch dates, even extended her an open ended invitation into our home to see her babies whenever she wanted (which she never took advantage of). My hopes for her were high.

But I don't believe that this was the right decision. I know she loves them. But the longer this has gone on, the more I doubt how much.

I was so naive.

It wasn't about getting her babies back. It was a game. And now the game is over, and she won, and now what?

I can't even imagine how Shelli feels tonight. We they went from our house to hers, it was clear on all parts (the court included) that this was a pre-adoptive move. Shelli and her husband were willing and ready to adopt these babies, and that was the plan. Their mom wasn't getting better. Things were going in reverse at times.

But here we are today.

I don't know why tonight is so much harder than when we let them go willingly.

But I knew I would see them again. I knew I would hold them and kiss their sweet faces.

And tonight I hold on to these sweet jammies wondering if I'll ever get to see the baby who wore them.

Maybe that old saying is true....that you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I dunno. I just know tonight is hard. I know that I feel broken. I feel doubt. And I wonder what on earth the Lord has planned in all of this.

I know that I'm usually the one who sees the glass half full, but tonight I want the explanation.  I want to see it all laid out right now.

When I really think about the way it all happened, I know we were supposed to let them go. I know that Shelli was supposed to love them. But I don't know why.

Once again, I never thought it would be like this.

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