Tonight is one of those nights that I don't know what to write or how to write it or what I want to say exactly.
But my commitment to write everyday for a year forces me to stare at that stupid blinking cursor until I can come up with something halfway decent to write.
And here we are....still thinking.
I guess I can write about what the Lord is stirring in my soul at the moment. In the midst of the craziness of life, I constantly feel the Lord luring me to the next thing.....the next task He has for our family.
I am, finally, for the 1st time since baby #3 made his grand entrance, starting to feel somewhat normal about daily life. Apparently, I'm slow to recuperate. It's been 8 months people.
But that means that I'm in God's word again, and whenever that happens, I find clarity over so many things that I have looked at as issues in my life. Everything starts to become clearer. And I can begin to see how He is preparing a new and exciting way for us.
I'm pretty sure that I have shared with you that I would like to have 4 kiddos. I just think the world is made for evens so we're gonna go with that.
But I do not want to be pregnant again.
Of course, if that were to happen, I would gladly and happily and graciously carry another child. But I feel like we have been called into foster care, and that our story there is not over yet.
Now foster care is obviously foster care and not adoption. But foster care often turns into adoption. Sometimes.
Let's not get too far on that rabbit trail, lest I'll start crying. We don't need that tonight.
But I know that our time spent with our foster babies and everything that has happened since they've left our care was not just for that instance.
I feel like our foster care experience has left a holy ache in my soul. There are so many things about it that are not alright with me.
But being a foster parent is most definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And honestly I don't know the end of our story with the babies we had. I hope that part of our foster care story is not over, but it could be.
I was incredibly encouraged this weekend by a phrase my pastor used in one of the most powerful and moving teachings I've heard in a long time. It will continue to be live online thru Friday, June 28th. See if you can check it out here.
Anyways, Pastor Craig said that when we are promoted by the Spirit to do something, we will feel certain uncertainty.
Amen. Because I have never felt more certain and uncertain in the same breath about anything in my life than foster care.
He also talked about making history by putting Christ at the center of all we do. The question becomes, "Am I courageous enough to live like its not about me but all about Him?"
We can only make history through Him, centered around Him, when it's all about Him.
So I took that information and started thinking about our foster care journey. And I realized in an instant what I did wrong.
It was all about me. You can go back and read it. I was hurting. I was confused. I was tired. I didn't understand. I didn't love enough. I loved too much. It was all about me.
Yes, we absolutely did it because I felt like He called us to. No doubt about that. I did it for Him, but once we were in the midst of it, it became all about me.
Yes, I cried out to Him; Yes, I sought His word; Yes, I wanted it to be for His glory.....but I honestly don't know if it was.
I know He used the experience to humble me and to help me trust Him more. But I don't know that I lived like it was all about Him. I think I lived like it was all about me.
And there He goes again.
What started as a blinking cursor turned into a chiseling moment.
Thank you Father for bringing me clarity. Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for continuing to move me. I want to live like it's all about you. I want to be used by you to bring Glory to your kingdom. Continue to chisel away my hard places. Continue to take away everything that doesn't look like who I really am. I love you and am continuing to trust in your perfect plan.